Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. A man watches a television with nothing on it. He sits waiting for the remote to figure out what he wants to watch. His thoughts wander into a bar and with sign language he demands a drink, the bartender in his brain gives none. He sits there in his mind without a drink, thirsty and alone. What’s a guy got to do to give himself a drink. The ghost of his first pet pops up and haunts him.
I know, you’ve heard it before. We’ve all been there.
“Hello, Gary”.
The hamster looked irritated.
“I’m a guinea pig”
The guinea pig looked irritated.
“Remember me?”
How could I forget Tunnel Thunnel. I was four years old when I goaded my mom into bringing you home. Much like a baby-less couple seeing another frolicking couple with an infant, cuteness lays waste to practicality. The baby, the puppy, the kitten, the guinea pig. Their cuteness like a slowly eroding masquerade to the fact they need others to clean up their messes.
I thought I buried you in a shoebox in the backyard.
“Oh, you did. But I never forgot. I bottled up my anger and shook it up for years. It’s finally ready to be opened, hombre. I got sick and I died. Remember that crust around my eyes and the constant sniffling?”
I could never forget the constant sniffling and the sick ring of crust around Tunnel Thunnel’s eyes. It kept me up at night once before I quickly forgot and played Nintendo. I do remember how It looked as if he had perpetually been waking up from a sleep after working a nightshift at a waffle house.
“I’ve come to give you a sickness. You will suffer and you will die, as I have”.
Why not let life take its course, it's terminal anyways.
“Don’t pull that faux-lectual stuff on me, hombre. No, you will pay for what you did.”
Since we're on the subject of life and death. In my defense, I was only four, I probably shouldn’t have been responsible for a life to begin with. You should have been a rock. I think I killed every Tamagachi pet I had, too. Sometimes with a hammer. Oh, yeah, I got a couple rabbits killed by some cats, too. Kicked the fence and then cats got in. I think you should take this up with my parents. I’m starting to think that’s where the real problem is. They raised me poorly. The village as well. The whole village failed to cultivate me into the idiot I am, I did that myself.
“The buck stops with you big guy, you named me after all.”
That was also another thing I definitely should not have been responsible for. I’m not good with heaps of pressure put on me. Tunnel Thunnel was the first thing that came to mind.
“What does Tunnel Thunnel even mean? Why? All the other guinea pigs in guinea pig hell have better names.”
You ended up in hell? I’m sorry to hear that. How do you get into guinea pig heaven?
“One must be sold as food in Peru. Specifically Peru. It’s kind of a Valhalla thing. You go up to guinea pig heaven and suck on the water bottle of the great giving cage all day.”
I’ve ate pig pig before.
“I taste the same.”
I wish I ate you instead. What’s guinea pig hell like?
“Guinea pig hell is like Utah”.
I’ve never been to Utah.
“You’re missing out. Great skiing.”
I don’t ski.
“Snowboard?”
Nope.
“You’re from Colorado and you don’t do either? Are you stupid?”
Woah!
“Sorry, didn’t mean to call you the S-word”
You said you’re wrong.
“You can tell tha-wait a minute, I came here to kill you!”
Honestly nothing happened. I pretended to be dead to get Tunnel Thunnel to leave me alone. A guinea pig attack feels like cuddling with a baby. Cuteness always wins, I tell you.
I would change a million diapers if it meant a baby stayed a baby forever. They can scream all they want, I don’t sleep anyway and I scream louder and prouder.
“Are you dead?”
No.
“Give it time. Life takes a while to end.”
I began to wear trashbags to soak in the heat. If I looked sick maybe he’d leave me alone. I forget who said it, but, “fake it until you make it.” That had to have been something Gandhi said on the salt march.
“Are you dead yet?”
Nope.
“I’ll come back when you’re dead."
At this point I was signing up for every single 5K I could find. There is a 5K to promote 5K awareness coming up in January. It’s in Boston. California. Small neighborhood of Boston in East Los Angeles, California. America. This country.
“Why aren’t you dead? I don’t understand. I spit in your food. I gave you the hamsterdances.”
I thought you said you were a guinea pig?
“I am. But this virus plagued me.”
I’ve ate shit before not a big deal.
“”I said spit.”
Same thing.
“You are a sick human being.”
I’ve got to be honest, I think you just have a shitty immune system. That, or you’re just a pussy.
“This isn’t fair. You should be dead.”
Perhaps we were meant to learn something today.
“What’s that?”
Human beings and hamsters.
“Guinea pig.”
Whatever. Perhaps we are meant to lose something we care about to understand what it’s like to lose. I cried like a baby at your funeral.
“You did?”
For days, actually.
“I didn’t know that.”
It’s ok.
“Well, I feel like a jerk.”
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You died on my watch, I’ll die on time’s watch.
“Time widdles us down to the bone, doesn’t it?”
We paused for a minute to think. We then realized one of us should say something. I took the first step.
Do you like Time travel?
“DO I!?”
Want to watch The Terminator and Back to the Future trilogies and pretend their all connected?
“You said 'they're' wrong.”
You did two.
“You’re a heck of a guy, guy.”
We watched and watched until he grew painfully bored and yearned for the salt water lakes of guinea pig hell. I’ll never forget Tunnel Thun--
Dukes is on.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. A man learns to forgive himself for the guilt of his first pet by suppressing his emotions and burying it down into his psyche and watching TV, like a man.
****
Gary Miller is currently a Chicago based artist. He is originally from Denver, a product of two humans, male and female making poetry with their bodies. Gary is a mile above sea level at all times and loves to get lost before being found. He's been lost in places all over the country and would love to continue to do so. Gary can be found at his website http://
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