There's a lot of interesting language here we can be unpacking.
— Guy In Your MFA (@GuyInYourMFA) October 12, 2015
"911, what's your emergency?"
"Um, ma'am, we have a problem. I just, I just walked into my classroom and found a group of people and they're not moving."
"What's your location, please?"
"Um, I'm at [censored]."
"How many people?"
"Uh, one-two-three... um, there are eight of them here. They're just, bent over the tables and frozen."
"Do you see any signs of trauma, any blood?"
"No, they're just, they're not even unconscious or anything, they're just sitting here looking really closely at, um, I think they're copies of an essay that they're holding."
"They're not moving?"
"No, I just said. They're just sitting here and... wait, I think they're muttering."
"They're delirious?"
"No, they're... wait, I'm listening to what one of them is saying. 'The colon instead of the dash. More certainty, less pause. The colon...' He's just repeating that. And the next one, the next one is saying, 'I'm going to disagree with you,' oh, and one of them just smiled and said, 'Yay!'"
"They're having a conversation?"
"No, they're just saying this to the paper in front of them."
"Ma'am, try and interact with one of them, please. Say something, wave your hand under their nose."
"They don't seem to notice. It's like they're all talking to each other really fast under their breaths, but they're not looking at each other, just at the papers and they're not moving."
"Ma'am, I'm dispatching ambulance and police right now. Please wait outside the room for them to arrive. If the situation becomes volatile–"
"They're all saying something now. 'The object at the end of the sentence lands harder because of all the clauses preceding it.' They're repeating that now."
"Ma'am, leave the room immediately. I suggest you evacuate the building. This sounds dangerous. Police and ambulances are on their way."
"What's the situation on the [censored] patients?"
"Still stuck in sitting position, doctor. No change in spite of the relaxants."
"And the muttering?"
"They stopped that once we took the papers away from them, but then a couple started going into shock. Once we returned the papers, they kept muttering, but their vitals went back to normal. And, uh, doctor, now they're smelling."
"Smelling?"
"Body odor, doctor. They're all emitting the same smell. Growing stronger by the minute."
"And just what do they smell like?"
"Cinnamon crunch bagels, new paper, pizza, printer toner, beer and blood [link "beer" to Padraic's post about freewriting and vodka]."
"Wonderful. Have you tried bathing them?"
"Yes, doctor. They resist–"
"How do they resist if they're not moving?"
"Every time someone goes near them with a sponge, they become utter maniacs. And they're smiling, the stronger the smell grows."
"Smiling."
"Yes, doctor."
"Wonderful. But their vitals are strong?"
"Yes, doctor, heart rate a little elevated, but regular."
"Brain scans?"
"Same results for all of them. Excessive activity in the frontal lobes and hippocampus. Minimal activity everywhere else, except for occasional flashes in the hypothalamus."
"Well, all we can do is keep them stable. Keep them on the relaxants for now. I'll look at the brain scans myself. Page me if anything changes."
" This is Anthony Rogelt, reporting live on a sunny Friday at noon from outside [censored] hospital. It's week fifteen in the saga of the students from [censored], who were found, over three months ago, unresponsive in a classroom. Since then, according to official statements, there has been no change in their condition, though they remain stable. Off the record, however, this reporter has received reports of the eight students emitting a smell, which nurses describe as a combination of pizza, beer, cinnamon cruch bagels, new paper, printer toner and... blood. This smell, according to my sources, intensified steadily for the first five weeks. And, get this, folks. The patients' smiles grew wider as the smell grew stronger. For the last ten weeks, however, they've been smiling and smelling away. For more on–
[phone rings]
Sorry folks, stay here. This is one of my sources.
Hey there, you're live on the air... No, no, you're not on speakerphone, what do you think I am, a reporter without morals?... Very funny... What's that? They're doing what?
Breaking news, folks, live from the scene. My source is telling me that the students have relaxed. Remember, they were frozen hunched over in sitting position since they were found, in spite of all the relaxants prescribed by doctors. But now, at the very stroke of noon today, all of them simultaneously relaxed, stretched out on their hospital beds and what? Sank into a coma. No smiles, no nothing. Brain activity returned to normal levels, vitals remain strong.
Stay tuned, folks, more live coverage to come after this break."
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